It is just before Scotland v England at the next World Cup Group game.
Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Rooney looks at them and say`s "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints.
After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 Scotland 0 (Rooney 10 minutes)".
He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and he game is forgotten until someone remembers "it must be full time now, lets see how he got on".
They put the teletext on.
"Result from the stadium " England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) Scotland 1 (Angus McSh*te 89 minutes)".
They cant believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him.
They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I`ve let you down, I`ve let you down".
"Don`t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
"No, No, I have , I`ve let you down.................... I got sent off after 12 minutes!!
Now I'm not downing the joke itself. A great joke. Unfortunately the art of comedy is timing and you are about two years too slow. The original one involved Larsson, Hugh Dallas and Rangers, with Larsson being sent of after 10 minutes. Now if you're going to (try) and have a cheap shot at us, at least make it original. We can respect originality, but not half adopted, regurgitated jokes.
Report: SHP tries hard but he could do alot better.
Actually its kinda refreshing to have a report, even if its a mock one, that doesn't criticise my "organisational skills" like so many of my former teachers school reports. 'stephens a nice boy but....' so often the start of my school reports. The following paragraphs would always completely negate that promising opening.
Aanyway want another joke? Want it to be better and/or original? OK then:
An Englishman wants to buy a gift for his mother in law. She's really hard to buy presents for because she seems to own everything. So he considers perfume, chocolates, music......but decides an antique ornament would be best.
So he goes to Berwick upon Tweed market and catches sight of a weird brass statue of a rat. He decides it will be the perfect present so he asks the guy how much it costs.
The mysterious market trader looks at him and in an eerie voice says "it'll cost you £50 for the statue, but it'll cost you an extra hundred for the mysterious, spine chilling story of its creation and the curse it carries".
The Englishman isn't superstitious and isn't rich - so he buys the statue and tells the bloke he can forget the story.
The market trader smiles at him and says "you'll be sorry - you'll come back."
So the Englishman walks to his home - suddenly a rat appears behind him. The rat appears to be following him - or, rather, following the brass rat statue. The man is freaked out but carries on walking. In time 10 rats begin following him........then 100.....then 1000 - and by now the bloke is ****ting himself. He goes onto a tall building and throws the statue to the floor - every rat that followed him jumps off after this mysterious brass rat statue......all the rats fall to their death.
The man is panicking.........he runs back to Berwick market and demands to speak to the mysterious man who sold him the rat.
The mysterious man smiles and says: "I told you you'd be sorry and come back. It'll cost you a £100 for the story." The Englishman says, "story? **** that! I just want to buy a brass Scotsman!"
Theres a Hindu, a Jew and a Scotsman. They need a hotel room for the night. So they go to a Hotel only to be told only 2 rooms are available. One man must sleep in the barn. So the Jew first of all volunteers to sleep in the barn.
The Scotsman and the Hindu are just settling down for the night when theres a knock on the door.
Its the Jew.
The Jew explains theres a pig in the barn an, being a good Jew, he is unwilling to spend the night near a pig. The Hindu thinks thats fair enough so he goes to the barn. So the Scotsman and the Jew are just settling down for the night when theres a knock on the door.
Its the Hindu.
The Hindu says theres a cow in the barn and he, being a good Hindu, is unwilling to spend the night anywhere near a cow. The Scotsman is ****ed off but he decides to spend the night in the barn. The Jew and the Hindu are just settling down for the night when theres a knock on the door.
