1 . Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week... I pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. Rowland goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

13. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster,go for it.'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.                             But I think it's Colin.

17. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

18. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

20. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night